I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…