This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*