Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
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Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.