At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.