I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Whoa 😂
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
This why you should mind your business
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE