Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
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If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My first son he is wonderful
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Blew my mind.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.