My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
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I am a gravy boat captain
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.