Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
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Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck