“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You Might Also Like
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
never compromise your values
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.