Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.