alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no