babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
This is a sub tweet
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Spell check is for lasers.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram