How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Last-minute gift idea!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.