me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
decorating my apartment
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.