Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.