Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
#Caturday
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.