Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
You Might Also Like
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
incredible text to wake up to
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
He-man has a Masters degree
bury ourselves
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The Struggle
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.