If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
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my dog when i have a friend over
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.