Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it