Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.