Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Sheep
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
lmfao
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.