my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Education is vital
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them