*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
bad
worse
worst
worchester
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
😜
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves