“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Inside you there are two wolves
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming