I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?