COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé