Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
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they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
What the hell is going on?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
#SuperBowl
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Mmmm. Shoeshi