Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
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Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*