I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
TRAIN’S HERE
Best spot.. 😅
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan