DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
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Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded