me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Received some very disappointing news today
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I put the h in mysterious.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Not all heroes wear capes….
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Love this one 😂🧟
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare