Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
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I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.