You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
#parenting
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.