I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
pls suprot
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.