Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me sliding into hell like
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”