Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend