[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Does beer think about me too?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Happy Thanksgiving
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.