[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.