A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
You Might Also Like
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Livid.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
what it’s like dating me: