CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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This was a bad idea all around
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Well, this is awkward