WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
A family that plays together cheats.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.