POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.