HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
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I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
me working on my assignments ^-^
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Not today. 😅
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.