Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Ha.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I hope Alan is OK
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*