Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about