If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows