Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
yeah no that’s fair
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!