*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
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My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
This squirrel eats better than I do
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.