ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.