Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!